Decisions Decisions!

Okay this post was started on June 25th but with a babe sometimes youg get side tracked LOL... here goes and I will obviously add more and finish it ;-)

Well, Madelyn is now 5 months old!! CRAZY!! Let's give the reader a little info so this post doesn't completely confuse the heck out of you... I am have been exclusively pumping for Madelyn for the last 3 months or so. My goal was to breast feed her for at least 6 months and since she was such a grazer and would hang all day I did not enjoy breast feeding...so, what was I going to do? I had this goal, all this pressure (from myself, really!) and doing something with my baby that I could not stand doing... this made for a really sad mommy! One night I was searching online for different techniques and info and I came across www.kellymom.com I was browsing through the site and read "Exclusively Pumping" Once I started reading I felt more and more compelled to this idea. I had already purchased a ridiculously priced, good quality pump, that I was only using once a day. I mentioned the idea to my husband, who thought I was a litte nuts because "wouldn't you miss the bonding"... had he just forgotten how miserable I was the last time he said "I think she's hungry, again". Through kellymom.com I found an amazing board on ivillage.com -- Exclusively breastfeeding Mom's like me to connect with! To ask questions, get advice and share the experience with. AMAZING really! So, I have been eping (that's the online short form) for practically 3 months. Of course at the beginning I would just breastfeed her in the middle of the night but that quickly stopped because I would still have to pump since I am very fortunate to have so much milk (my lactaction consultant referred to it as cream because of my little chunky monkey's weight gain at the beginning!)

So, the original reason for this post... DECISIONS! As I am getting closer to my 6 month goal and contemplating switching to formula (AAHHHH!) so many thoughts and emotions have been running through me! Wow, who woulda thought that I would be so emotional about stopping something I didn't enjoy! (Ohh I should mention that when I did stop breastfeeding Madelyn I cried! Yeah, I cried about something that I didn't even like doing...)

I had a really hard time last week with the whole thing. Crying to my husband... honestly the last 5 months have been the most emotional time in my entire life... thinking that I wasn't doing the right thing with stopping... worrying about how she is doing to do on formula - will she get sick? am I going to go from having this baby go lucky babe to a monster? (I know, its irrational but honestly, is there any rational thoughts that go through a new mom's head?) and the last thought, ever so hard to admit but "She's not going to NEED me anymore" All she'll need is some water and powder! (Now, I say this with my rational part of my brain that of course she will always NEED her Mommy but the irrational part screams she WON'T)

So, I think it comes down to me being mentally ready to stop pumping but emotionally not ready. Although within the last week I have made quite a bit of progress on the whole "don't feel so bad" campaign. My Mom and friends have been completely supportive and understanding.

I just have to realize that I have been doing a great job pumping! Many mom's would just throw in the towel but I stuck it out and hooked myself up to a pump several (and I mean several, at the beginning) times a day to give her the best. I have a freezer full to prove it! And I need to use that liquid gold up so I have to think - is pumping 3/day so bad? And really, I shouldn't cry everytime I pull frozen liquid gold out of the freezer - that was the point in the first place right?

Great Day :-)

She did wake up last night at 340am... gave her her soother and shhhhed her back to sleep and she slept until 7:45am! Yeah :) Eventually she'll get it and hopefully not bother waking up...

oh a Mommy can only dream right?

Madelyn was fantastic this afternoon! Lunch with Auntie Rachel then a shopping trip - I let her take her afternoon nap on me this afternoon... 12-2... I know, I should have put her in her crib but she's so cute and cuddly and I get to take a little nap too ;-) We got up and got ready and went for lunch with Madelyn in tow in the Ergo! www.ergobabycarriers.com BEST carrier ever!! I got to sit on the patio, enjoyed a Guiness she fell asleep then I got to eat! Then off the mall we went and she was great with Rachel while I got to try on some jeans... as Mommy is having a night away on Saturday! (I have to say I am very nervous about being away from her for an entire night!)

I would have to say everyday is getting easier and easier... this Mom thing does get easier!

Just some thoughts.

Its amazing the amount of time I spend wondering, I should say worrying, if I am a good Mom. Everyday I think, was that okay? Should I have let her take a 2 hour nap on me? Is it okay to leave her on her mat to play with herself for 15min?

My husband will ask me something about her and I just don't know the answers and its frustrating to all hell! WTF ?? Read a book! I have and I've got 4 different answers to that question who would you like to follow today? Or I feel like saying -- Can you please make a decision yourself?

Why is it so hard to find "my gut"? What I mean is, everyone says trust your gut...trust your gut... but what if your gut isn't saying anything at all?

Doing something for the first time is always challenging but I never imagined this! I mean the shear love I have for this little being is probably why I doubt myself so much. I want her to be perfect... to have the perfect little life... but maybe my logical side of me should take over, because it knows that nothing is perfect and there is ALWAYS trial and error and sometimes those errors turn out to be exactly what was needed in the first place.

I just don't want to make the wrong decision with this precious life that looks at me and requires everything from me.

Okay...motivation where are you?

Thanks to fellow Mom, Kelsey, I hope I can start blogging a little more frequently...

Madelyn slept through the night on June 18th :) Then repeated this for the next 2 nights so are we on a roll? Fingers crossed its not just a fluke and she does this EVERY night!! (Is this just wishful thinking? I hope not!)

She just fought me on her nap... ugh! Seriously kid, if I was you I would kill to nap every couple of hours :) Oh the life of a babe!

Went from a late breakfast with the Mommy's from momstown.ca kitchener/waterloo group! Thanks to fellow Mommy, Melissa, who gratiously brought me her portable booster seat - it was great! Reclined and everything, which is perfect for Madelyn since she hasn't perfected sitting yet. We are getting close though!!

Well, I gotta pump and I haven't mastered typing and pumping yet so, I gotta go! Maybe the next blog I will find the time to explain... Should of called this Adventures in Pumping! LOL