Decisions Decisions!

Okay this post was started on June 25th but with a babe sometimes youg get side tracked LOL... here goes and I will obviously add more and finish it ;-)

Well, Madelyn is now 5 months old!! CRAZY!! Let's give the reader a little info so this post doesn't completely confuse the heck out of you... I am have been exclusively pumping for Madelyn for the last 3 months or so. My goal was to breast feed her for at least 6 months and since she was such a grazer and would hang all day I did not enjoy breast feeding...so, what was I going to do? I had this goal, all this pressure (from myself, really!) and doing something with my baby that I could not stand doing... this made for a really sad mommy! One night I was searching online for different techniques and info and I came across www.kellymom.com I was browsing through the site and read "Exclusively Pumping" Once I started reading I felt more and more compelled to this idea. I had already purchased a ridiculously priced, good quality pump, that I was only using once a day. I mentioned the idea to my husband, who thought I was a litte nuts because "wouldn't you miss the bonding"... had he just forgotten how miserable I was the last time he said "I think she's hungry, again". Through kellymom.com I found an amazing board on ivillage.com -- Exclusively breastfeeding Mom's like me to connect with! To ask questions, get advice and share the experience with. AMAZING really! So, I have been eping (that's the online short form) for practically 3 months. Of course at the beginning I would just breastfeed her in the middle of the night but that quickly stopped because I would still have to pump since I am very fortunate to have so much milk (my lactaction consultant referred to it as cream because of my little chunky monkey's weight gain at the beginning!)

So, the original reason for this post... DECISIONS! As I am getting closer to my 6 month goal and contemplating switching to formula (AAHHHH!) so many thoughts and emotions have been running through me! Wow, who woulda thought that I would be so emotional about stopping something I didn't enjoy! (Ohh I should mention that when I did stop breastfeeding Madelyn I cried! Yeah, I cried about something that I didn't even like doing...)

I had a really hard time last week with the whole thing. Crying to my husband... honestly the last 5 months have been the most emotional time in my entire life... thinking that I wasn't doing the right thing with stopping... worrying about how she is doing to do on formula - will she get sick? am I going to go from having this baby go lucky babe to a monster? (I know, its irrational but honestly, is there any rational thoughts that go through a new mom's head?) and the last thought, ever so hard to admit but "She's not going to NEED me anymore" All she'll need is some water and powder! (Now, I say this with my rational part of my brain that of course she will always NEED her Mommy but the irrational part screams she WON'T)

So, I think it comes down to me being mentally ready to stop pumping but emotionally not ready. Although within the last week I have made quite a bit of progress on the whole "don't feel so bad" campaign. My Mom and friends have been completely supportive and understanding.

I just have to realize that I have been doing a great job pumping! Many mom's would just throw in the towel but I stuck it out and hooked myself up to a pump several (and I mean several, at the beginning) times a day to give her the best. I have a freezer full to prove it! And I need to use that liquid gold up so I have to think - is pumping 3/day so bad? And really, I shouldn't cry everytime I pull frozen liquid gold out of the freezer - that was the point in the first place right?